Care Giving
Setting Boundaries With Others
If self-nurture is about tending to your well, then boundaries are the walls that protect it. Without boundaries, everyone has access to your energy, your time, your emotional reserves—and you have no way to keep yourself resourced.
Boundaries aren't walls to keep people out. They're clarity about what you can and cannot do while staying true to yourself. They're how you honor your own needs without apology. They're the difference between sustainable relationships and ones that drain you dry.
Many people struggle with boundaries because they mistake them for meanness, rejection, or selfishness. But the opposite is true: boundaries are how you stay in relationships without losing yourself. They're how you give from a genuine place rather than resentment. They're how you show up authentically rather than performing or people-pleasing.
Why Boundaries Feel So Hard
You were taught your needs don't matter
Many of us grew up in environments where our job was to manage other people's feelings, accommodate their needs, and keep the peace at our own expense.
You fear conflict or rejection
Setting a boundary might upset someone. They might be disappointed, angry, or hurt. And if you've built your worth around being liked or needed, that feels dangerous.
You don't trust your own judgment
You second-guess yourself: Am I being too sensitive? Too rigid? Am I making a big deal out of nothing?
You confuse boundaries with punishment
Boundaries aren't about controlling others or making them pay. They're about protecting your own energy and clarity.
The truth is: if setting a boundary damages a relationship, the relationship was already damaged. Healthy relationships can hold boundaries. They make space for both people's needs. They don't require you to disappear in order to be loved.
The Three-Step Boundary Conversation
When you need to set or reinforce a boundary—especially in a charged or difficult conversation—this framework helps you stay grounded, respectful, and clear:
Step 1: Reflect Back What They Said
Repeat what the other person said in your own words. This does two things:
They feel heard (which often defuses defensiveness)
You get a few seconds to let your emotional wave settle before responding
Example
So what you're saying is you need me to be available this weekend because the project deadline moved up, and you're feeling stressed about getting it done.
Step 2: Acknowledge Their Experience
Honor, praise, or empathize with their emotional investment. This isn't agreeing with them—it's validating that their feelings make sense from their perspective.
Example
I can see how stressful this is for you, and I really appreciate how seriously you take this work. It matters to you to do it well.
Step 3: State Your Boundary
Now—from a grounded place—state your position clearly and without apology. You're not asking permission. You're informing them of what you can and cannot do.
Example
I'm not available this weekend. I've had these plans for a month and I need that time to rest. I'm happy to help prioritize what can be done by Friday, but I won't be working over the weekend.
If Boundaries Feel Impossible
If you find yourself unable to set boundaries, chronically overriding your own needs, or staying in relationships that require you to disappear—this might be a sign that deeper work needs to happen.
Consider working with a coach or therapist who specializes in boundaries, codependency, or people-pleasing patterns. Learning to set boundaries is a skill, and like all skills, it can be learned and strengthened over time. It does require practice
Iris’s Personal Journey – Mitigating Old World Beliefs
When One Family Member Arrives, Another Leaves
In old world mountain communities, deaths and births were often coincidental events. The timings of a grandparent’s death near a grandchild’s birth are interpreted as spiritually related.
It turns out that my mom has this epigenetic superstition in her programming. It hurt to see her suffer from this irrational burden as she tried to make sense of her cancer diagnosis. However I wasn’t really surprised when she mentioned this fear as I grew up hearing all sorts of similar expressions.
To help comfort her and dispel her irrational fear, I first had to break its hold on my own mind. I relied on the rational observation that the global population has steadily increased over the last century’s history.
Here are a couple more superstitions I recall:
Don’t put a knife on edge – bad luck – uses fear to instill a safety practice
Don’t put shoes on a table – bad luck – uses fear to instill a hygiene practice
What epigenetic superstitions does your family harbor?